I am not living my life in a "waiting" mode in spite of the title of these posts. I am celebrating the countdown, while living my life as richly as possible. The last couple of weeks have been filled with laughter, love, and fun with a good dose of red wine. I am trying very hard not to live every moment thinking "I will miss this", but it happens, I cannot lie. Several times a day I acknowledge to myself people I will miss, as well as some I won't. The knowledge that I am leaving behind my comfort zone brings a new appreciation of the simple things, and a new readiness to leave certain experiences well behind for a couple of years. For instance--slow drivers in the fast lane. I definitely will NOT miss that.
I am only a little sad that this appreciation of people and things is only now highlighted because of my impending departure. How great would it be if we had this awareness constantly in our lives. Just think, at a party, laughing ridiculously with friends--- what if you just stopped and acknowledged that if these people weren't there, in that moment, that you might not be laughing. Or how about sharing that thought and telling them that you are lucky to have them in your life. We know these things internally, but expressing them externally often makes people uncomfortable. Do it anyway. Get uncomfortable. You might just make someone's day. Life begins outside your comfort zone. I read that somewhere.
I know that I am about to embark on something completely new--- I will not know the language, will be away from my support system, will adjust to living in a sauna with strange customs. I will probably not have a western toilet, internet, Target stores and Mexican food. I will not have liquor stores, television, Hobby Lobby. I will have many challenges in adjusting. So why am I not scared?
As I learn more about what to expect through reading Peace Corps journals, and the blogs of two Peace Corps workers currently in Thailand, I love discussing what I am learning with my friends and family. And they always ask, "Are you sure you want to go? Aren't you scared?" As I internalize those questions and reflect on the many emotions I am experiencing, fear is not one of them. I told my best friends Tina and Roxie that the only things I'm scared of is not being able to just pick up the phone anytime of the day or night and talk to them. I'm scared that my kids won't miss me. I'm scared my dog will not be alive when I get home. I'm scared of bringing the wrong clothes. But I'm not scared of going.
I can't explain how right this decision feels. I think that over the past 10 months since I applied, I spent part of that time looking for a reason to stay. I didn't know what that reason would look like, but I think I was hoping. A new job? The love of my life? A grandchild? Something that would need me. Maybe that's it--I was looking to be needed here. But you know what? This life has been really good to me. My kids are truly self sufficient and amazing. My family is healthy. My work has been fulfilling. But I am needed somewhere else. I guess I am needed in Thailand if I believe all the stuff from the PC. But since receiving the invitation to serve, I've stopped looking for a reason to stay. Because going just feels right.
This will definitely be a journey, not a destination.
